pained
by keniii
Summary: modern day AU..kaoru loves kenshin and kenshin loves kaoru. Typical Kenshin feels unworthy for dear Kaoru and decides to dismiss the thought away and stick with Tomoe only to then regret never telling Kaoru what he feels. Kaoru learns the beauty of letting go and Kenshin tries to win her back..will it be too late?written in POVs
1. Chapter 1

this is my first ever fanfic so pls go easy on me...reviews are gladly welcomed n_n

CHAPTER I

As the sun sets and I stand here all alone under the shade of the cherry blossom tree that we oh so love, I can't help but feel so broken yet happy at the same time. I can never bring myself to regret the decision I have made-the decision of letting you go, the decision that broke me for a million times over and over again. I'd risk a million times just to see you happy even if it meant seeing you with another, even if it meant tearing up my heart because that's what it means for me to love you.

We were both 10 when we first met on a sunset under the cherry blossom tree. I was crying back then hoping to shut the world from my memory, eager for me to be alone.

"You know, it's not true what people say that girls are much cuter when they cry, that they don't" you came up to me and say.

Curious, I turned around to see startlingly beautiful amethyst eyes and blood red hair.

"This is my very favorite place and seeing you here is quite a shock for me as no one ever comes here or appreciates this place other than me. I guess I was wrong then." And you smiled at me so lovingly that made me catch my breath.

"I'm Kenshin by the way. Kenshin Himura" as you sat next to me.

Finally, I was able to gather myself up and say, "I'm Kaoru Kamiya and I'm not crying. I was just sitting here, that's all" I lied but you knew better.

"It's okay for you to cry, you know. Don't feel ashamed about it" you said.

I grew silent for a moment then said, "I've loved this place ever since we moved here. It's like a sanctuary for me. I come up here often aside from the fact that I usually feel sad, which I am now. But I can never tell anyone what I feel." You gave me an unknowing look at first but then I can see your features tighten into a frown and knew that you understood my situation.

"My family has been through enough and I don't want to be another burden for them. So I come here because I feel at peace and besides, the scenery is great," I said. "Why do you come here then?

"The same thing as you do Kaoru-dono," you said, startling me with how you chose to address me.

Puzzled, I looked at you and saw how much pain you are going through-how your eyes reflected the pain you carried.

"You don't mind if I came here too, do you?"

"No, not at all. It's nice having someone to talk to with, someone who understands. It'd be nice if we'd come here together sometime," you smile again as if this has been your daily routine to mask yourself. Yet I can feel your wall start to crumble as you open up to me.

"Kaoru-dono, you won't mind if we become friends right?" you looked at me as your face turns red and your features tighten with worry. I can feel my face burning and knew that I was blushing furiously.

"Hai Kenshin…let's be friends."

It was then that I fell in love with you, a love that shattered my heart to pieces, a love that always came unanswered.


	2. Chapter 2

hiii again...so this is chapter 2 dudes...pls enjoy!

standard disclaimers apply:D

CHAPTER II

I have grown to understand the fact that no matter what I say or do, I will never be the one you would bear to love. It killed me everyday knowing how you would never return the same feeling I feel for you. I kept hoping for someday, kept telling myself that you were worth the wait. And everyday that I kept waiting for you, I felt that same hope within me start to crumble apart.

Loving you has taken away everything from me. It's a wonder how I can still muster up the courage and face you with her. All these years that I have loved you, and all these years that I have blinded myself, all I ever did care was letting you realize that I was here and that I loved you. And I still do Kenshin…. I always HAVE loved you. But just as everything was going great for you-how you told me you won Tomoe-san's heart- everything for me has grown from bad to worse and this time, I knew that winning you now was impossible.

Tomoe-san was everything that I can never be. She is every man's choice for a girl-beautiful, smart and very lady-like. I wouldn't even amount to what she is-a childish, sweaty little tomboy. Not the typical girlfriend you would be proud of. I can never measure up to someone like her and never would I dare to compete with her.

And so I kept everything to myself, never told you how I much I have loved you from the very start you came up to me. I was never much of a good liar but still, you were always fooled by the smiles I manage to show you everyday.

You always knew better than me, Kenshin. But how come you are easily convinced with what I show you? Can't you see how much I love you? How much I suffer everyday? I should hate you for hurting me this much. You deserved my hatred and anger.

But every time you looked my way, it's then that I understand that what matters most to me is not my own happiness but yours. And I know how happy you are with her... I know it as you never fail to remind me everyday.

And as I looked at you, I know you loved me too. A love bound for a friend like me. It should be enough, I knew. But I wanted more, wanted something I can never have.

I knew you love me… and everyday you wouldn't know how much I wished that it could be enough.

thanks for those who reviewed on my first chappie...

to R3iga1004: thanks really... it means a lot:)

hiinata: you rock!


	3. Chapter 3

so here is chapter 3 guys...pls review..though i'm not getting as much reviews as i want, i'm still gonna finish this story...enjoy:)

standard disclaimers apply

CHAPTER III

I was never one to know much about feelings. But there was a part of me that kept screaming how much each stare and each touch you gave me meant more than just me being your friend. I kept ignoring those thoughts, kept shoving it down the pit of my stomach because you were my best friend and I didn't deserve you.

I was messed up, lost in my own little world. But you were there for me. You never left my side. You always made me feel that I was indeed more than I was. I pushed everyone away… I pushed you away. But you were never one to surrender. You kept waiting for me, kept bleeding for me. You didn't deserve this… you don't deserve someone like me, Kaoru.

I shut the world out from me… I shut you out. I was lost. You held out your hand just as someone held out her hand for me too. I knew I should have taken the path that led to you. But this time, I can't. You have suffered long enough for me. And I can't keep doing this because you'll only get hurt. You have done so much for me, too much actually.

I fell in love with the wrong girl and I can't tell you how much sorry I am for hurting you because it would only seem futile compared with everything that you did for me. Yet with each day that you see me with Tomoe, you still manage to smile at me when you should have been hating me for inflicting you this much pain.

I left you all alone. I wasn't there when you suffered…when you are suffering. I abandoned you. It hurt me to see you smile at me when you were hurting so much inside. I wanted to wipe away the tears that you shed for me when you thought nobody was watching. But seeing you cry so helplessly this much made me realize that I can never ever deserve you. I can only bring pain to you.

I tried leaving to make the pain go away, to make it easier for you. But you still followed… you never left me. You were there for me when I couldn't do the same for you. You comforted me when I was having my own problems with Tomoe. It was funny how you still have that within you when we were the reasons why you were suffering.

I'm selfish, I know now. You tried to pick me up…I shut you out. I left you… you never did let go. You loved me… I loved someone else. I was stupid.

I wish I could have done more for you. But you seem to be so in control with everything. You always seem to say the right words at the right time. And for that, I'll always be grateful for everything that you have done.


	4. Chapter 4

sooo...hi again...yah, ive been updating real fast coz i'm bored and got nothing to do...so here is the next chapter...enjoy!

standard disclaimers apply

CHAPTER IV

Hurting you was never my intention. I wish I could've done something to repay you with everything that you have sacrificed for us. I could sense it within you that you love Kenshin as much as I love him. You never did show it to anyone but, I could see through you… I can see how much it hurt you to see me pick up Kenshin and hold him in my arms every day. It confused me however how you always came up to us and manage to hide everything you feel and put on one of those smiles you always gave us. It could have fooled anyone, could have made anyone think that you were okay with everything when you weren't.

You are a smart and very beautiful young lady but I always thought that you lost all sense of self- respect within you while loving him. I pitied you for making such a fool of yourself… for still keeping your hopes up. I always thought that you were my biggest competition for Kenshin… always thought of you stealing him away from me. I hated you for that when it was clear that the battle is won, that he chose me and not you. It angered me everyday seeing you with him because you have no right and you were only his best friend.

And so, there came the day that I was able to gather up my courage and confront you. I came up to you, eyes flashing with anger. But you only smiled with what I said… a smile, I noticed, different from the ones you used to show when in front of Kenshin and myself. It was then that I felt you opening yourself slowly to me.

"Even if I do love him, it wouldn't matter. He loves you, not me."

You caught me by surprise then that I had nothing to say back to you.

"You don't need to worry about anyone or anything. Kenshin's happy with you," you smiled again.

"But are you happy?" before realizing what I had just said.

"I'm happy when he's happy," you said. There was a brief silence between us just as then you spoke. "Tomoe-san, excuse me but I don't want to be late for my next class," your face tightening into worry. "I'm very sorry but I need to go," you bowed at me and took off on the direction of your homeroom.

I was still staring blankly at one corner unmoving, thinking back all the words you said and letting it sink in one by one. I felt numb and cold all over realizing how much I have took all your gestures wrongly… how I judged you so easily back then. I was horrible for letting my anger and hatred consume all of me and block my vision of you when all you had was love for Kenshin and your intention of making him happy no matter what the cause.

You are indeed a wonderful person sacrificing so much for the one you love even if it meant you ending up unhappy and alone. I salute you for doing this because I know I can't do the same for you when the tables are turned because I love Kenshin too much and I can't bear to let him go. I felt so ashamed of myself. Felt unworthy for Kenshin. But you never seemed to care much about the incident and everyday you made me feel that I deserved Kenshin.

It has then come to my understanding that what I thought was a flash of hope within you was nothing more but a fire growing dimmer and dimmer each day… that chances were slim and that hope was never to be found.

Nothing I can do would ever measure to what you have done for me. I can only thank you for it, for making me happy though I still know you love him too much. I know I don't have any right to say this but, I guess that letting him go would seem the most appropriate thing to do right now. We love each other. And I think that it should be enough for the both of us to be happy.


	5. Chapter 5

it's been a while...sorry for the long update..school's coming up real fast and i had to get myself enrolled..thanks for those who reviewed by the way..here's the next chappie..enjoy!

standard disclaimers apply

CHAPTER V

I have, from the very beginning, felt something more for you than what you could have ever imagined. I wanted so badly to tell you what it is that I feel but something kept me back… told me it wasn't the right thing to do. I've always thought that you didn't deserve someone like me and each day, the feeling drowned me more than ever and consumed me all at once. Days passed and what seemed like forever came to a blundering stop and I was left undecided of what to do.

I knew it in my heart that you felt something for me too but you never did try to ruin what we have by saying it. Each day I could feel it within you how you wished I could have told you what you have been longing to hear. But each day, I kept you hanging and with each day that I saw you die slowly in pain, never did I even try to pick you up because I was too stuck up with my own self that I have abandoned you. And with that, I'll always be unworthy of you.

It was then that I met Tomoe. She was, as I may say, the same as I was. She needed me and I was the only thing left for her. My heart was torn into two and in the end, I had nothing left to do but choose.

I chose her over you because I felt that I needed to save her from all regrets. I never did understood what it meant, but I knew that I can never leave her because I knew how hell felt like and I can never let anyone go through what I have gone through. It was much too much to bear, I knew.

I chose her because I knew you were strong and that you could go on through with life and be happy without me by your side. I was after all, the only one who always brought you pain.

I have expected you to hate me for what I did but instead, all you gave me was a warm smile and a face that told me how you were happy for me. I was relieved by then, thinking everything went well and that everything was fine. But seeing you cry once when you were alone told me more than any words could.

By being so selfish, I lost you…

By being so self-centered, I abandoned you…

By being so stupid, I hurt you too much…

I was so blind to see that all this time, what you did was to wait for me. But I always failed you by hurting you. And now it's too late to say or do anything because I am stuck in a situation I could've avoided long ago when I should have opened my mind and took your hand.

I loved you but I always thought that it wasn't enough for us… or perhaps it wasn't for me. I love you but I decided to dismiss the thought and bury what I feel for you because I knew I couldn't match your feelings for me and that in the end, I can't make you happy.

Everyday I knew you suffered for me… and it always pained me to know that there was nothing I could do but watch from afar while you bled.


	6. Chapter 6

so again here's the next chappie... i wont be updating for a while coz i think i'll be busy with school...sorry..well enjoy guys!

standard disclaimers apply

CHAPTER VI

Being thought of as strong was never easy for someone like me when all you wanted to do was scream your heart out and reach out to someone who seemed to care.

Being strong never meant that you were okay with everything… that what little act you put on was real… because it never was from the very beginning.

Being strong didn't really make sense because I was vulnerable to everything… because here I am… always bleeding for you. But in the end, I still needed to be strong because that seemed like what everyone was expecting me to do.

I grew strong when you had come to choose Tomoe… I steadied myself with Tomoe's confrontation… I hardened my once fragile heart with the rejection just to prevent any tears from escaping.

But I knew it inside my heart that I was never strong. I was a mere woman who needed affection, who needed a hand to guide her through all this.

I needed you. But it seemed like you never needed me at all.

I never wanted you to burden yourself with knowing what I felt—that I loved you and that it killed me everyday just trying to stay with you through all this without me breaking. I never wanted to see your pretty face lined with worry and guilt with what you couldn't bear to give me back.

I always recalled you saying how my smile was the only thing that kept your lights up and that you hated it when I was unhappy. It was a thing that kept me going. And so I have numbed myself with all the pain and welcomed the pleasure of smiling. I smiled at you everyday when deep inside, my heart was being shattered into pieces.

I was hurt but I was, and never will be, in any position to complain because I was only your best friend and because I chose this. I am hurt but I never regretted the beauty of loving such a wonderful person like you. I will always be hurt knowing that you will never love me much as I love you.

I am lost and I knew that this time, it's not up to you to save me.


	7. Chapter 7

hiiii...sorry for the late update..i just got busy again with school..here's the next chappie...enjoy!

standard disclaimers apply

CHAPTER VII

Life is hard, life is miserable… one that I want most to escape from its heavy clutches but still seems to pull me in deeper blocking all escape.

Life is misery, life is pain… a thing that keeps my pained and broken heart shattering even more but one that I have come to welcome into my already burdened soul.

"It's okay," everybody says…"Move on," others say…

"I'm sorry," you say…

And I'm sorry too Kenshin… I hope it was okay… I hope it was so easy to wake up from all of this and move on like what they say. But it isn't okay, Kenshin, it never will be okay! How can I be okay when I am always hurting so much inside? Did any of you even realize what I felt when you told me it would be okay when we all know it wouldn't?

Misao, Sano, Megumi, Yahiko and everybody else… I know I shouldn't blame anyone one of you because, after all, I chose to be this way… I chose to keep it all inside. But now I know I can't handle this alone… I couldn't possibly do it with you being here. I'm just not as strong as I thought I could be. And now I find myself no longer than the woman who I used to be.

I envy all of you, of how happy you all are- Misao with Aoshi, Sano with Megumi, Yahiko with Tsubame… Kenshin with Tomoe…While I was alone suffering between the four corners of my prison, everyone was happy….everyone but me.

"But I am happy," I convinced myself, head in my hands. " I am happy that they finally found happiness within each other's arms… yes I am happy indeed," I say in between sobs, tears escaping my eyes.

"Kaoru?"

I looked up and my eyes widened in surprise. "Ke-Kenshin?" I immediately wiped off the tears from my face, composed myself and gave you the most of what smile I could manage. Your eyes were narrowed into slits, eyebrows tightened into a frown. We were silent for a moment, the silence deafening. I sighed. I couldn't take it any longer and I walked past you. But before I could even take three steps away, you held my arm and hoisted me up to look in your eyes as you were looking at mine. My eyes widened seeing how much guilt and pain flickered into your lavender eyes.

"Talk to me, Kaoru," you said. I turned away from you, not wanting you to see the hurt in my eyes.

"I… I have nothing to say. Kenshin you don't need to worry about me, I'm o-," but before I could even finish what I was saying, you cut me off, eyes searching mine. "You're not okay, Kaoru… I know it. Is it about everything that's happening between us and Tomoe?"

I clenched my fists so tight my knuckles turned white. "Let's just drop it Kenshin, okay? Now if you'll excuse, I better head off home. Grandpa Genzai must be looking for me." I removed your grip on my arm but you held it tightly even more. "Kaoru I'm sorry… I wish I could make it okay, I hope I could make the pain go away. I know I've hurt you, but trust me I never wanted to do so. I can't ever willingly do that to you because you're special to me, Kaoru. Always bear that in mind," you said, your gaze never leaving mine. I can feel all my anger and pain surging but I tried holding it back.

"I'll always be here, Kaoru."

And that's when I've had enough. "That's the whole point of it, Kenshin! I don't want you to be here for me!" I shouted tears brimming my eyes. I saw your eyes grow wide, pan evident in your eyes. "Just understand…please..." I looked at you again, softening my gaze, my hands cupping your face. "Kenshin, I love you… I have loved you for so long," your eyes widened again but were instantly replaced into a look of regret and sorrow. And I felt confused by it. Did you already know that I love you? No, that can't be right, can it? I mentally slapped myself for thinking such impossible things but decided to forget about it and deal with things that should end right here and right now. I have suffered through for too long.

"I have loved you for so long that it hurts too much."

"Kaoru, I'm sorry…"

"Don't be," I whispered while giving you a small smile. "It wasn't any of you or Tomoe's fault that you both fell in love with each other. It just so happens that I fell in love with you too. But I don't regret any of it. You are a wonderful person Kenshin, and I will forevermore cherish these feelings."

You held one of my hands that were cupping your cheeks. I was surprised then to see your eyes start to well up with tears, but was happy to know that you still cared for me too much.

"I love you Kenshin, but I can't keep doing this to myself. There's just too much of me that got lost while loving you. And I need to bring those pieces back again. But I just can't do it if you're here…I'll only keep on hurting… I don't want to hate you f this goes on for so long."

I moved in closer pressing my forehead against yours, closing my eyes and savoring what may be the last.

I'll be leaving for Osaka tonight."

You tightened your hold on my hand, tears now streaming down your eyes. "Don't… please…you can't…" your words muffled by your faint sobs.

"I have to," I sighed, " I will always think about you where ever I am… and you—you will always be my best friend Kenshin." I tilted my head up and kissed your forehead and left without ever looking back, my tears falling unstoppably.

I knew what I did was right…

It was now time that I let go…

well?what do you think?please review...

thank so much for ginny and 12hours and 27mins for reviewing...i appreciate it a lot^^


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